I don't want to brag, or anything.
But it's sort of my specialty.
Garnering unrelenting stares from intolerant passersby is kinda what I do best.
So, said I (to myself, in an empty room), why not share this priceless gift with those I love?
It is, after all, the season for giving.
I present to you my Top 3 ways for attaining attention of the most unwanted sort:
1. Wear Printed Pants.
Bonus points if the width of your bottom half is disproportionately smaller than that of your upper - A physical trait that should dissuade those of us afflicted from attempting this "trend", but obviously never will.
And on that note - I don't care how many "trend setters" defiantly declare that the printed pant is "in", it still will never be the norm in any locale outside of maybe the most marvelous of New York city streets.
Meaning that - yes, your legs will be oggled.
And yes, it will be awkward.
2. Bury Your Face in Frames.
Again, these "in" accessories might hold haute status in theory - but theoretical fashion plays no part in the reaction of everyday Americans.
I'm quite certain that, by opting for optical lenses the size of peaches, I've discombobbled many-an unexpected acquaintence and certainly dissuaded the acquisition of countless others. The revelation that I am, in fact, entirely comfortable appearing bug-eyed in public, presents a proverbial fortress strong enough to keep out even the most viscious of Orc.
Yeah, I said it.
3. Sport A Comically Over-Exaggerated Side Part
This charming phenomenon came about with the most unintentional of intentions - as most style ticks do. A mane mistake at first, my propensity for throwing the better portion of my untamed locks to one lopsided half of my head has become a bit of a bad habit.
Not only does it provide a refreshingly cool relief to one heat-swathed portion of my face, similar to a mid-slumber pillow flip, but it allows me to embody the power-woman of the 80s without the constraining shoulder pads and headache-causing headbands.
There you have the answer to social ostracisization.