Before I became all crazy about clothes and stuff,
I wish somebody would have said:
I wish somebody would have said:
....
Dear child.
Dear, poor, poor, doomed child.
Listen closely. . .
You like fashion?
You do?
Well here's my bout of unsolicited advice :
1.A.UNO.
Never.
I don't care how many creepy photographers you succumb to sell your soul to,
or how many shifts you pick up at your humiliating 3rd job,
or how many toilet paper rolls you tactfully ply in half.
You will always want more,
and more will always want you.
Just quit it.
You'll never be better than everybody, so be the best for yourself.
Seriously.
Cheese-it vibes aside.
If you live your life hoping for half as many comments as Aimee or Leandra, your shoe-obsessed brain cells will explode, and you'll ... well, you'll explode. And that would suck, like, a lot.
Instead, rejoice in the fact that your devoted mom and coolest of cool friends read your blog, and thank god/thegods/thenon-existent god that you have a damn laptop.
Whether you decide to pair that outfit with your "retro" tennies or your white pointed-toe heels - it will not, in fact, kill a nation.
It may, however, give you a minor heart attack.
4. Always.
Always
Always
Always
I don't care how "insanely comfortable" your $500-for-$100 3.1 Phillip Lim treasures are.
8 hours later on hard pavement,
you may choose to retract that original statement.
5. Stop trying to make people care about your shoes.
Honestly, just don't even start.
Example: Boys on dates do not care about your shoes.
Example 2: Your mom after a 9 hour work day does not care about your shoes.
Example 3: Your little sister who hates you for spending money irresponsibly does not care about your shoes.
Example 4: Unless an exception is otherwise noted: Your father did never, and will never, care about your shoes.
Not even Alexander Wangs.
I know.
His problem.
6. Waking up and online shopping on an empty stomach = never a good idea.
Put the clothes in your "cart".
Eat some damn Kashi.
Contemplate life.
And sit on it.
If it sells out after 3 spoonfuls of delicious whole grain, it wasn't meant to be.
7. No. It is not practical to buy 1 pair of shoes per week.
How this idea entered your (and by your, I mean my, because in this long-winded blog post it is a phantom 3rd person administering the wise advice.) brain, I do not know. I do, however, know that your parents are frightened. (and by 'frightened' I mean really really not happy, / also known as: angry.)
8. Just because your favorite website/blogger/magazine/celebrity propones it,
does not mean your (insert not New York City place of residence) locale will readily accept it.
Example?
Example: White shoes.
Example 2: weird 90s references
Example 3: That gold ring I wear around my neck in reference to Frodo in LOTR --
wait..that's not cool???
Example 2: weird 90s references
Example 3: That gold ring I wear around my neck in reference to Frodo in LOTR --
wait..that's not cool???
Nobody gets me.
9. Eat
Karlie Kloss is not human.
Also, bread is good.
10. Smile.
I don't care how much y'all'll (that did not red squiggly underline, btw) want to kill me after I say this,
but . . .
I'm sure I missed a few things,
but like,
I have to get back to shoe shopping and stuff.
Cheers.
/ WHAT?? Who just realized the teen girl from Modern Family was in this?
Agreed. If you happen to have stumbled upon this amahzing fashion blog totally by accident because you googled, for example, "karlie kloss" and "obsessed," go ahead and read the above tips and SAVE YOURSELF.
ReplyDeleteomg this post is directed completely at me. love this. and i have no need to carry flats with me because i only wear sneakers or loafers haha another solution! :)
ReplyDeleteso i'm chuckling to myself and nodding to all of these, especially 1,2,5 (example 4. boyfriend will somehow listen to you gush about the PERFECT hologram/lucite pump for an hour but might start feeling threatened he's being replaced...)
ReplyDeleteThe only person who care about my shoes are my best friends (I make it sound a lot, nope there are two of them), but only when I bought something terrible. When I had something good, they'll go "Wow they're cute! How much do they cost?" and we move one to other topics (like saving the world or getting rich without scamming people).
ReplyDeleteYep really love the list. Sometimes people mix up fashion with uncontrollable impulse but that's okay. In fact, that's great! People who spend money on clothes make fashion higher ups richer, and in turn, present us with more of their collections, which in more turn, we buy some more, aaaaaaaand so on. Fashion is vicious indeed...
getting rich w/o scamming people
Deleteprob best convo topic ever.
I would like to send you a basket full of chocolates and wine and virtual hugs just for this post, alone.
ReplyDeleteGaah! I think the huge smile is plastered all over my face. People around me might think I'm weird considering I'm in a coffee shop, reading this post and awkwardly laughing, all by myself!
-Ru
Glitter & Blush