So I had this really awesome idea for a post about how stupid everyone looks trying to wear their coats around nyfw, but then Man Repeller published a post about coats so ...
Ima write one anyways.
It's a legit syndrome, though, worth chronicling in journalistic history, and also this blog; the I-have-to-wear-a-coat-because-it's-winter-and-that's-what-humans-functioning-at-full-mental-capacity-do-but-they-also-mar-my-carefully-curated-silhouette internal toil that takes place every morning in front of the partially-obstructed hotel mirror.
Well, I can guarantee you that none of them are even remotely practical, but with a well-orchestrated balancing act and a hopefully handy (and inevitably incredibly irritated) friend to continually replace your fallen coat upon your perpetually freezing shoulders, you should be just fine.
1. The drape.
It is, single handedly, the most commonly-seen "trend" here at fashion week. It is, in fact, how you separate the people who are here for fashion week from the people who are, well, just here.
Because I have very little capacity for innovative thought, I admittedly succumbed to this on more than several accounts - usually regretting every minute of it.
Not only did I literally have to ask my companion in crime, Florencia, if she could "help me put my coat back on please I'm so sorry" like, an obnoxious number of times, but I also acquired what I'm officially (not officially) diagnosing as a severe kink in my neck from attempting to balance my coat over my purse while wearing super stupidly high heels for 5 or so hours a day.
I'm also pretty sure this is where I hashtag #firstworldproblems.
2. The semi-drape.
Bloggers and runway models do it best. Harkening back to, well, my hotel internet's not really working as of this moment, so I can't exactly Google the time period-- but harkening back to whenever men would wear their coat over one shoulder - this difficult-to-pull-off look requires an impressive amount of coordination. Or velcro.
You love your coat, a designer fitted you in that coat, or you have extremely poor circulation in just one arm - either way, upside: maximum texture, downside: minimum comfort.
3. The Carry
This one is, in truth, essentially saying "Screw It".
You realize that it isn't part of your ensemble. You also realize that to abstain from it fully would be to accept loss of feeling in arguably essential extremities. #SoWhatWhoCares?!
As such, you opt for practicality for the larger portion of the time, while resigning to NYFW norms for the smaller - thus equating the stupidity level of the full time drapers and half-drapers without annoying your friends, and arguably your upper spine.
4. The I'm-Wearing-Something-Underneath-This-Coat-I-Promise
My favorite of them all, this look appeals to me in particular if only because, as an all-or-nothing fiend, I fully appreciate the fact that with this particular technique you are, in fact, able to have your proverbial cake-cum-coat and eat it too (hashtagtasteslikechicken).
Scrunch up the sleeves of your coat, allow your long-sleeves shirt/sweater/onesie? to protrude over your wrists for maximum coverage and sartorial showage and boom. You're warm, you retain body heat, and you're able to reference yet another designer brand now allowed to breathe from beneath your boxy body-topper.
(note: I'd really like to hashtag this "winwinwin" but I've 100% used up my allotted blog post hashtags for the day, so...let's just stick to noting this one)
5. The I'm-Probably-Naked
Because, let's face it, second to wearing superman underwear beneath your dress clothes, being naked's kind of the best.
Need I say more?
Did I miss any?