Tinder No-Nos

Ok. 

Fine. 

I signed up for Tinder. 

I knowwww. 

It's totally degrading and shallow and the bane of our civilized existence etc etc etc. 

It's also incredibly cathartic.

And barbaric. 

And also cathartic. 

Did I mention it's cathartic?

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Because, honestly, as someone who embodies very little male-related self confidence of her own, 

it's strangely therapeutic to perpetually put down the majority of your city's opposite sex in pursuit of what? 

A date?

Unlikely. 

A quick dose of self confidence when the one cute guy amid hundreds for whom you "swipe right" immediately "IT'S A MATCH!"es up?

Yup. 

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That being said, as much as I love listening to Ingrid Michaelson's "Girls Chase Boys" while rhythmically swiping to the left in accordance with the song's undeniably catchy claps, I'll take a step off of my high horse to disclose a few Tinder tips courtesy of my overly judgmental and 100% unfair standards (I'm like the female George Castanza if George Castanza weren't already mildly female). 

And so I bring to you: 

10 REASONS I SWIPE LEFT (aka trash your photo) ON TINDER

Listen up, boyz...

1. You're Taking a Cellphone Selfie

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Really?? Of all your Facebook photos, this is the one you choose to use as an adequate self representation?

2. You're Shirtless

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Really?? Of all your Facebook photos, this is the one you choose to use as an adequate self representation?

3. You have some form of trashy alcohol in hand

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Really?? Of all your---

Sensing a theme here . . . 

4. You're pictured posing with hot girls

Is this how you'll be showing up on our date? Blonde attractive girl in tow? Because I only made a reservation for two and also you're an idiot. 

5. Your self description includes both "girls" and "working out": 

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The LCD of male interests! Good choice! JK!  

6. You're holding a trophy. 

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Super cute. Do you want me to throw a little Miss America sash on you while we're at it?
Because I totally can.
And by "can" I mean would rather kill myself.

7. You're holding a carcass. 

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I don't know how common this phenomenon is outside of Wisconsin, but I'd say it accounts for a good 33% of the images through which I swipe. 

And believe it or not, you animal conqueror, you: a dead [insert Midwestern wildlife specimen here] is not, in fact, a sure-fire turn on. 

Potential- but not sure-fire. 

8. You're holding multiple carcasses. 

Not. even. kidding. 

9. You're playing the guitar. 

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This is probably just me- so don't let me dissuade you from showcasing your sensitive side via stringed instrument selfie, but there's something admirable to me about a guy who plays the guitar as a plus rather than as a main attraction. The "I'm-a-musician-I-have-feelings-hear-me-roar" thing is a little overrated for this girl.

Unless, of course, you're Gavin Degraw- in which case, feel/roar away. 

10. Our shared interests are Dr. Who, LOST & The Lord of the Rings

JK let's get married

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Cheers.