Look Sharp, Sconnie - Midwestern Fashion Nerd, Chronic Over-thinker

Tinder No-Nos

Ok. 
Fine. 
I signed up for Tinder. 
I knowwww. 
It's totally degrading and shallow and the bane of our civilized existence etc etc etc. 

It's also incredibly cathartic.
And barbaric. 
And also cathartic. 
Did I mention it's cathartic?
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Because, honestly, as someone who embodies very little male-related self confidence of her own, 
it's strangely therapeutic to perpetually put down the majority of your city's opposite sex in pursuit of what? 
A date?
Unlikely. 
A quick dose of self confidence when the one cute guy amid hundreds for whom you "swipe right" immediately "IT'S A MATCH!"es up?
Yup. 
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That being said, as much as I love listening to Ingrid Michaelson's "Girls Chase Boys" while rhythmically swiping to the left in accordance with the song's undeniably catchy claps, I'll take a step off of my high horse to disclose a few Tinder tips courtesy of my overly judgmental and 100% unfair standards (I'm like the female George Castanza if George Castanza weren't already mildly female). 
And so I bring to you: 

10 REASONS I SWIPE LEFT (aka trash your photo) ON TINDER
Listen up, boyz...

1. You're Taking a Cellphone Selfie
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Really?? Of all your Facebook photos, this is the one you choose to use as an adequate self representation?


2. You're Shirtless
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Really?? Of all your Facebook photos, this is the one you choose to use as an adequate self representation?

3. You have some form of trashy alcohol in hand
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Really?? Of all your---
Sensing a theme here . . . 

4. You're pictured posing with hot girls

Is this how you'll be showing up on our date? Blonde attractive girl in tow? Because I only made a reservation for two and also you're an idiot. 

5. Your self description includes both "girls" and "working out": 
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The LCD of male interests! Good choice! JK!  

6. You're holding a trophy. 
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Super cute. Do you want me to throw a little Miss America sash on you while we're at it?
Because I totally can.
And by "can" I mean would rather kill myself.

7. You're holding a carcass. 
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I don't know how common this phenomenon is outside of Wisconsin, but I'd say it accounts for a good 33% of the images through which I swipe. 
And believe it or not, you animal conqueror, you: a dead [insert Midwestern wildlife specimen here] is not, in fact, a sure-fire turn on. 
Potential- but not sure-fire. 

8. You're holding multiple carcasses. 

Not. even. kidding. 

9. You're playing the guitar. 
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This is probably just me- so don't let me dissuade you from showcasing your sensitive side via stringed instrument selfie, but there's something admirable to me about a guy who plays the guitar as a plus rather than as a main attraction. The "I'm-a-musician-I-have-feelings-hear-me-roar" thing is a little overrated for this girl.
Unless, of course, you're Gavin Degraw- in which case, feel/roar away. 

10. Our shared interests are Dr. Who, LOST & The Lord of the Rings

JK let's get married
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Cheers. 











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2 comments:

  1. UnknownMarch 26, 2014 at 4:01 AM

    Did you really just join? So weird because I finally caved into peer pressure and FOMO and did too! I haven't decided if I'll use it for 'real life' or as some strange social experiment - one that I will no doubt write about - but the swiping is oddly cathartic.

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  2. cyeomsMarch 26, 2014 at 8:26 PM

    what a brave new world internet dating is! i've been off the market for so long i didn't get the chance to turn down my #8s hahahah! so many questions!

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