How To Wear A Swimsuit Without Really Wearing A Swimsuit: 3 Ways

I'm really pale right now.

Like, disturbingly, every blue vein in my body is currently 100% visible including the two gorgeous beauties beneath my eyes pale.

That, in conjunction with the fact that I've ingested ~~ten trillion~~ one too many jelly beans this winter season,

equals me not wanting to wear a swimsuit.

Ever, really.

In fact, I'm perfectly comfortable being that one semi-strange girl at the pool wearing a t-shirt over her swimsuit because she "burns easily".

I don't, by the way, but it's an acceptable claim to propose when considering the alternative: exposing the poor world to the specimen that is my post-hibernation self.

Alas! Why address a problem if not to propose a solution?? says every individual to which I've whined ever.

Because whining's therapeutic???

WRONG!

So here's me being productive and taking charge of the situation with a little series I've decided to title ... (here's where you do that little rolling thing with your tongue that I can attempt but never achieve without sounding like I'm choking in order to help me build facetious suspense) ...

"HOW TO WEAR A SWIMSUIT WITHOUT REALLY WEARING A SWIMSUIT"

true genius is amongst us.

1. Wear it Over a T-Shirt.

I love t-shirts. I really love t-shirts. In fact, I may love t-shirts too much. Which I'd argue isn't even possible. Because I love t-shirts.

Therefore, I've convinced myself of the fact that they work for any and all occasions. So why not underneath a little bit of neoprene? Accentuate your ~~nonexistent~~ bust with a tactfully-placed bandeau. And then just drown yourself in denim.

Because if there's one thing that doesn't scream "summer", it's 50 lbs of denim touching every inch of your not sexily sweaty body. #maneater

2. Wear it Like Catwoman Would

Tucked into black leggings/pants/cords/bottoms of some not-summerish sort. Just swathe yourself in spandex from head-to-toe, leaving a lot up to the imagination, and then further mystify your bodily shape by coating the elastic ensemble in an oversized blazer of an ideally masculine make.

Then show up to the beach like this.

Now try to make friends.

3. Wear it With A Dress Shirt

I suppose, of course, that you could interpret this title as wearing the swimsuit underneath your man friend's tactfully-unbuttoned dress shirt from last night while in the Hamptons drinking mimosas and eating other annoying avocado-based brunchy things on a sunlit patio.

OR (better option to follow) :

You could wear it in a deserted construction yard over the white dress shirt you bought to work at the Pick n' Save deli 6 years ago and denim cutoffs that you found in your high school closet during a recent trip home.

Now tell me which of those options sounds more appealing to you?

And that's all, folks!

Though I have full faith in your ability to invent a slew of alternative solutions to skin-bearing yourselves- so feel free to suggest those to this eternally single gal.

After all, I haven't even touched swimsuit bottoms . . .