Look Sharp, Sconnie - Midwestern Fashion Nerd, Chronic Over-thinker

11 Questions I Ask Myself When Reading Popular Blogs

I used to read a ton of blogs.

Then I realized that I was starting to accept things that were in no way normal. 

Like how in the world did those pictures of your feet win you 400K followers when all mine ever get me are random "#followforfollow"s and the occasional call from my mother citing how she liked "that one square picture" ??

And why am I NEVER able to vertically capture my brunch (aside from the fact that I don't eat brunch) in the perfect hazy light of an open window? I feel like your 90 degree angle is magically achieved. Seriously. Are you standing on the table? Do you literally have wings??
Is the ensuant scenario in no way awkward?

So I started to question the status quo, 
Which brings me to : 

11 Questions I Ask Myself When Reading Popular Blogs

1. How do you photograph your food at such high angles?
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Again. Unreal. 
My personal record is a good 60 degrees. 90 seems unfathomable. 

2. Why are you standing like that?

Why are you crossing your one awkwardly-cocked leg in front of the other? Are you struggling to balance? Do you need a hand? (admission: I am fully 100% guilty of this)
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And are you pushing your thighs apart? Tell me you're not pushing your thighs apart. 

I once had a "famous" blogger teach me her "tricks" for how she stood to make her legs look skinny. Then she lost 100lbs and got more famous and didn't have to do those tricks. #dreambig

3. Who takes your photos?

Are you literally selecting your sex partners based on photographic prowess?
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And don't even get me started on Instagram photos. I have a hard enough time asking my own mother to "maybe please take a picture of me but actually no nevermind this is stupid just kidding don't- wait are you sure? you don't care? ok I'll go really quick- is anybody watching? this is so embarrassing..." meanwhile you're over there modeling in the middle of some random epic sand dune in this amazing perfectly-proportioned picture in which your legs aren't cut off b/c someone didn't perpetually forget to put your iPhone camera on square mode. (IT EXISTS  PEOPLE. USE IT)

4. Do you really wear sunglasses that often?
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Maybe this thought is unique to me because I only ever wear sunglasses when I'm notably attempting to disguise my voyeuristic tendencies but... 

really? Every day?
Do you have a different pair for every outfit?
Does this make me want to throw up?

5. Why don't you respond to comments?

Not even just one?
That's a lot of positive energy to shun, sister. 

Are you like a mythical figure? A mirage? Do you cease to exist outside of your selfies? 


6. How are the backgrounds of your photos so blurry?
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Is that really all in the lens? Is your lens a billion dollars? Can I have your lens?

Or maybe you're literally that sharp in comparison to the drab world around you. 
Maybe. 

7. Why is the lighting always so good when you do those makeup tutorials?

I don't even have a blank wall in my apartment, let alone a well-lit, minimalist white canvas in front of which to pose with lips elegantly parted to show you how I don't do my effortless cat-eye.
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and WHY IS EVERYTHING SO WHITE?
WHY?

8. How are both of your hands showing in your top-down Instagram photos?
random example here, but I promise, it exists.

Do you have someone nuzzled up against your neck, holding your phone, shooting downwards?
Is this that same tactfully-chosen sex partner of which we spoke earlier?

9. Why does your puppy's Instagram account have more followers than me and all of my friends combined?

See also: Why does your puppy have an Instagram account?
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10. When you "have the pleasure" of holding "Meetings" in your favorite designers' showrooms, what are you guys actually doing in there?
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I imagine it sort of like a dream. You walk in, they offer you free range of the showroom, you pick out a ton of clothes, you all Instagram each other Instagramming each other, and then you leave - expensive, unreleased collection in hand, phone camera full, and heart brimming with the warmth that only 20lbs of free goods can generate. 

Please, someone correct me. 
Please.

11. Is your life really that cool?

And I won't be angry if you lie to me and tell me that it isn't. 

Because in comparison, mine's looking extremely pretty pathetic.
I mean, 60 degree brunches, 2 pairs of sunglasses, and one-handed Instagram photos?

I'm practically barbaric. 


Cheers.





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17 comments:

  1. UnknownApril 30, 2014 at 7:19 AM

    This made me laugh out loud! How come you always have a point?? How sister.. how..??? :-)

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    1. UnknownApril 30, 2014 at 7:06 PM

      oh man- always have a point? the poor souls tasked with listening to my perpetual rambling might beg to differ . . . ;)

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  2. abcApril 30, 2014 at 7:24 AM

    This is the best thing I've read in weeks. I ask myself these same questions all.the.time. Thanks for putting it out there.

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    1. UnknownApril 30, 2014 at 7:07 PM

      I'm glad I'm not the only one confused by "normalcy".

      Best thing in a while? Tell me you recently read Dickens. This will significantly boost my ego .

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  3. CamilleApril 30, 2014 at 7:29 AM

    GIRL, you're giving me cold sweats!

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  4. UnknownApril 30, 2014 at 7:58 AM

    THIS! You hit the nail on the head with every point.

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  5. JoyApril 30, 2014 at 7:59 AM

    THIS! You hit the nail on the head with every point.

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  6. KelseyApril 30, 2014 at 8:12 AM

    Aint that the truth!

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  7. UnknownApril 30, 2014 at 9:05 AM

    Oh my goodness I was laughing so hard the boy sitting next to me thought I had lost it. #7 though.... Hahahaha! I'm pretty sure the world is just that drab around them. Man, they're making my kit lens look bad... *cough*

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    1. UnknownApril 30, 2014 at 7:09 PM

      diddo on the kit lens.
      ah well, we could always wait to shoot on foggy days.

      Every boy who's ever sat next to me ever has thought that I've lost it.
      Join the club, sista. ;)

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  8. TomissaApril 30, 2014 at 10:44 AM

    Good gravy, this is what I needed to read today. Spot on, lady.

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    1. UnknownApril 30, 2014 at 7:10 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. UnknownApril 30, 2014 at 7:10 PM

      and so begins my obsession with the phrase "good gravy"

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  9. NorbyahMay 1, 2014 at 7:41 AM

    this was the perfect post to read before i tuck myself into bed. hilarious! it made me laugh like only your posts can. #2 i wish someone one teach me how to pose...but i always feel ridiculous! #9 puppy instagram account, haha! #3 biggest struggle as a mummy blogger...which kid has the least shaky hands (or is not in a preteen mood)....
    can't wait to hang with you this summer.

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  10. BiseraMay 1, 2014 at 5:57 PM

    Oh my god this post is pure gold! I've seriously asked myself every.single.question. at least fifty thousand times and I almost gave up "blogging" because I don't fit into a world full of awkward standing getting professionally photographed people but if somebody feels the same pains I do, I'll stay forever. Haha x

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  11. lesimplyclassyMay 11, 2014 at 2:06 AM

    'do you cease to exist outside your selfies?' ahahhaha gold!

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  12. UnknownMay 27, 2014 at 8:28 AM

    This was comedic gold LOL. only truths were spoken!

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