I used to read a ton of blogs.
Then I realized that I was starting to accept things that were in no way normal.
Like how in the world did those pictures of your feet win you 400K followers when all mine ever get me are random "#followforfollow"s and the occasional call from my mother citing how she liked "that one square picture" ??
And why am I NEVER able to vertically capture my brunch (aside from the fact that I don't eat brunch) in the perfect hazy light of an open window? I feel like your 90 degree angle is magically achieved. Seriously. Are you standing on the table? Do you literally have wings??
Is the ensuant scenario in no way awkward?
So I started to question the status quo,
Which brings me to :
11 Questions I Ask Myself When Reading Popular Blogs
1. How do you photograph your food at such high angles?
My personal record is a good 60 degrees. 90 seems unfathomable.
2. Why are you standing like that?
Why are you crossing your one awkwardly-cocked leg in front of the other? Are you struggling to balance? Do you need a hand? (admission: I am fully 100% guilty of this)
And are you pushing your thighs apart? Tell me you're not pushing your thighs apart.
I once had a "famous" blogger teach me her "tricks" for how she stood to make her legs look skinny. Then she lost 100lbs and got more famous and didn't have to do those tricks. #dreambig
3. Who takes your photos?
Are you literally selecting your sex partners based on photographic prowess?
And don't even get me started on Instagram photos. I have a hard enough time asking my own mother to "maybe please take a picture of me but actually no nevermind this is stupid just kidding don't- wait are you sure? you don't care? ok I'll go really quick- is anybody watching? this is so embarrassing..." meanwhile you're over there modeling in the middle of some random epic sand dune in this amazing perfectly-proportioned picture in which your legs aren't cut off b/c someone didn't perpetually forget to put your iPhone camera on square mode. (IT EXISTS PEOPLE. USE IT)
4. Do you really wear sunglasses that often?
Maybe this thought is unique to me because I only ever wear sunglasses when I'm notably attempting to disguise my voyeuristic tendencies but...
really? Every day?
Do you have a different pair for every outfit?
Does this make me want to throw up?
5. Why don't you respond to comments?
Not even just one?
That's a lot of positive energy to shun, sister.
Are you like a mythical figure? A mirage? Do you cease to exist outside of your selfies?
6. How are the backgrounds of your photos so blurry?
Is that really all in the lens? Is your lens a billion dollars? Can I have your lens?
Or maybe you're literally that sharp in comparison to the drab world around you.
7. Why is the lighting always so good when you do those makeup tutorials?
I don't even have a blank wall in my apartment, let alone a well-lit, minimalist white canvas in front of which to pose with lips elegantly parted to show you how I
don't do my effortless cat-eye.
and WHY IS EVERYTHING SO WHITE?
8. How are both of your hands showing in your top-down Instagram photos?
|random example here, but I promise, it exists.|
Do you have someone nuzzled up against your neck, holding your phone, shooting downwards?
Is this that same tactfully-chosen sex partner of which we spoke earlier?
9. Why does your puppy's Instagram account have more followers than me and all of my friends combined?
See also: Why does your puppy have an Instagram account?
10. When you "have the pleasure" of holding "Meetings" in your favorite designers' showrooms, what are you guys actually doing in there?
I imagine it sort of like a dream. You walk in, they offer you free range of the showroom, you pick out a ton of clothes, you all Instagram each other Instagramming each other, and then you leave - expensive, unreleased collection in hand, phone camera full, and heart brimming with the warmth that only 20lbs of free goods can generate.
Please, someone correct me.
11. Is your life really that cool?
And I won't be angry if you lie to me and tell me that it isn't.
Because in comparison, mine's looking
extremely pretty pathetic.
I mean, 60 degree brunches, 2 pairs of sunglasses, and one-handed Instagram photos?
I'm practically barbaric.