I don't wear makeup but I do

Makeup and I have a complicated relationship.

Sort of like the one I have with Jake Gyllenhaal.

Except not at all.

As far as my majority-of-life self has been concerned,

makeup serves the sole purpose of bettering your complexion for the opposite sex.

So, as someone who harbors very little concern for the regard of the lesser gender,

this aspirational ambition has long held very little appeal for me.

However . . .

it's recently come to my attention that not looking like a dead person is also an added bonus to this whole cosmetics thing- which makes me a little more keen on attempting normalcy via a few key chemical-filled solutions than would, say, the prospect of life-long companionship.

#priorities

Fake tanner....

Via Liberato 2-3 Week Tan Mousse w/ Mitt

is a god send.

If a god send had nothing to do with religion and everything to do with narcissistic image-centric tendencies.

Thank you to the lovely Sephora staff, who put up with my 20 minute deliberation between the 30,000 self-tanner options and answered all of my very ~~annoying~~ worthwhile questions.

In the end, I came out with the best stuff I've used to date.

Via Liberata. Mousse. Mitt applicator.

If I can do it, then you can do it.

So go get it, son.

Under eye concealer is . . .

Lancôme's Maquicomplet Concealer

not a god send, but something very nice that also helps me look a little less how I imagine my zombie alter-ego would look.

Key tip from the last makeup artist I worked with:

Don't apply right under the eye.

Create a v-shape on your upper cheek, beneath the bags (or in my case, giant purple worm-like veins). It will reflect the light upwards, disguising the darkness.

Like HP's invisibility cloak.

Except not at all.

Primer is . . .

Prime Time Primer by bareMinerals

Probably supposed to come before concealer,

but I don't really feel like rearranging the text/pictures at this point,

so let's just pretend that I demonstrated forethought.

Big fan of this one from bareMinerals.

Keeps my face reenacting that terrible scene from Goldmember.

I dare you not to throw up.

Andddddddddd

mascara!

Lash Domination by Bare Ecsentuals

Basically the only real makeup I ever wear on a regular basis.

"Lash Domination" sounded cool and heavy duty.

And I'm disconcertingly receptive to makeup salespersons' pitches so...

Lash Domination it was.

What I like about it most

is that it makes me look not asleep.

...

So what is the moral of this story-but-not-story?

Do whatever you want. Don't do it for boys. But understand that opting for cosmetic abstinence may mean repeated explanation's involving oft-reiterations of the ever-awkward,

"I'm fine. Really. This is just my face."