Random NYC Observations from a Midwesterner

In 7th grade, I won the highly-coveted by no one role of "Understudy for 'Star to Be'" in my middle school's production of "Annie".

Said role consisted of me, the "Star to Be", singing (but not really, because, you know, understudy) six epically moving and gorgeously-articulated lines about coming to NYC with 
"3 Bucks! 
2 Bags! 
1 Me!"

My two sisters enjoy bringing this life event up each time we're together, which is fun, because it gives us all a chance to partake in our favorite pastime, which is, conveniently, making fun of me.

There really was no point in revealing this story to you now except to preclude the following NYC observations with the fact that I am still equally as naïve as - not only my not award-winning 7th grade character - but as my actual and also non award-winning 7th grade self.

Which is awesome.

Because I'm 23.

So without further ado, here are some things I think are weird about NYC people.

And also cool. 
B/c I'm an NYC-o-phile and I like the subway because it makes me feel free.

THE #1 thing that fascinates me about NY-ers is that. . .

1. They Are Each At Least 2 Different People

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1. Daylight/Aggressive Evil Streetwalker New Yorker

&

2. Socially Fun, Open and Not Evil Night Life New Yorker

There exists an understandable dichotomy between a New Yorker during the day and a New Yorker at night. It's my theory for why daytime tourists think everyone here is "mean".

Gotta survive and fake severity during the day in order to justify tackling slow-walking civilians and laying down the law in a competitive job market. 

But at night? 
At night, everyone loves everyone and wants to talk to everyone else. 

Very much my style. 

Other interesting observations include the fact that. . . 

2. They Don't Conceal Their Selfies

You know how normal, abashed, mildly modest civilians (i.e., not me) conceal their selfie moments from the world? (fitting room mirror model sess, anyone!?!?)

F that, say New Yorkers. To themselves. While on the street. With a condescending head-shake. Because that's what New Yorkers do.

So instead of excusing themselves to a deserted alley/bathroom mirror/mirrored elevator, Yorkees pause -- arm outstretched, lips puckered, hair tactfully windswept --  in plain sight/the middle of foot traffic (which, incidentally, moves about 3,007 times faster than "real" traffic) and forcing me to do the whole dart-around-by-turning-my-body-to-the-side-and-simultaneously-rolling-my-eyes-while-huffing-loudly-and-also-shaking-my-head-like-an-asshole.

Mid-center of the sidewalk selfie. It's a thing.

3. They Pick Up Their Dog Poop With Pride

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No darting eyes, embarrassed excrement scoops, or, god forbid, deposit-and-dashes. 

Here, owners proudly bag and bin their pups' doos, because the alternative would be an even more major don't. 

4. They Don't Gawk At Models

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Because they're just like us!

Except that they're not, because they're models.

And they look epic doing everything. 

5.  They Ambush Duane Reade at 11pm

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They also don't pronounce Duane Reade, "Doo-Ahn Reade",
 like this here idiot. 

I thought I was the only one who discovered her need for chips and salsa and nail polish and bubblegum and coated dental floss and Flinstone vitamins at 11pm every night. 

But I think I'm home. 

6. They Call Everyone "Guests"

"Next guest, please", says every customer service employee in all of New York. 

It's like the city has been collectively trained to negate the brashness of its citizens by tricking customers into thinking that every service experience is akin to, say, a hotel stay. 

Which it's not. 
See: All of New York at Duane Reade at 11pm

7. They Eat Healthy Food Like It's Unhealthy Food

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There's this strange aggressive feeding technique that takes place with things like kale salads and vegetarian soup and avocado rolls that would, in any other circumstance, be applied to notably unglamorous foods like Big Macs & burritos & Philly Cheese Steaks. 

It's this dive-in-head/mouth-first-take-no-prisoners-and-also-no-breaths stye of eating
which I, admittedly, condone. 

I also feel like there's a lot of social analysis to stem from this observation, 
but I'm not really psycho-versed enough or, quite  frankly, in the mood. 

8. They're Really Good at Waiting in Line

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For such aggressive walkers,
they sure are cordial waiters. 

See: All of New York at Duane Reade at 11pm.

9/Final. They're Obsessed with Talking about "Hard Work"

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Ask anyone anything and this will be the answer. 

Seriously, anybody anything. 


Anyone got anything to add?
Any qualms?
Am I an idiot?
Yes no probably?

Cheers.