I Lost My Hater Virginity

This week, I lost my virginity. 

My hater virginity, that is. 

And at the risk of sounding obnoxiously metaphorical:

I really thought that it would hurt more. 

Considering that, being insulted for my blog was, at one point, my very biggest fear. 
Every time I pressed "publish", every time I clicked "share", 
a small shiver of paranoia ran down my spine — 
what is someone make fun of me?
what if someone disapproves?

And then it happened.

Short story short; someone named Linda Muller is apparently not my biggest fan. 

huff po article

I'd blur her name out but like — 

c'mon, Linda. 

You kinda asked for it. 

Anyhow, I don't want to harp on the fact that someone from somewhere decided that they were going to take out their pent up self doubt on me on Facebook at 8pm on a Thursday. Instead, I'd like to do as I always do — and that is turn the conversation towards myself: 

I must admit that I truly thought the moment that someone came out against me was the moment I'd take it personally, stop writing my blog, curl up in a ball, uncork a bottle o' red, and order 10 Black Seed Bagels up to my 4th floor dungeon of an apartment, in which  I'd indulge in The Notebook and Pride & Prejudice at the same time on different screens while silently mouthing the lines to both.

And though #s 4, 5 & 6 may have happened regardless, they went down without the self pity I'd imagined. In fact, instead of being disparaged from blogging, I'm compelled even more strongly to do so. 

See : for as self-depreciating as I am, there's still a (very big) part of me that is 100% assured in my point of view on fashion and how I feel about my place in that world. 

I don't feel as if I need to justify it, or defend myself, or get worry too much about the opinions of others. 
I don't know if I'm objectively "right" or "wrong", but to be honest - I don't really care. 

Which is strange, considering that in all other areas of my life, I'm consumed by debilitating self doubt and disparagingly low levels of self assurance. 

Leave it to me to pick the world's most cut-through industry and over saturated field to make me feel the most confident. 

Maybe it's because I've spent years mentally fighting against the opposing forces that insist that my thoughts on fashion are naive or invalid. 

Taking an honest, authentic stance didn't happen overnight.

I guess this is why when someone calls me "fake" — I don't feel much of a reaction at all. 

I think I can finally say that, for once, I'm less concerned about what someone thinks about me than I am about what I think about myself. 

And it feels really good. 

Cheers.


PS: I'd like to thank the Recess episode entitled "Nobody Doesn't Like TJ" for today's resilience.