Ghosting.
A once unnamed, yet widely practiced and acknowledged phenomenon of our generation that was then identified, defined and exploited by one mildly aware (and likely oft-slighted) New York Times reporter.
It is, as we know, the act of vanishing in not-so-thin air upon the realization that you no longer want to expend energy, time, or physical strength to appease and please a once assumedly romantic connection.
Whether or not ghosting is the proper way to deal with an unsavory relationship is, as we’re all aware from countless smartly worded think pieces, to be debated.
That said, here are 10 indisputable texts to assure that I never text you again.
1. Any text that replaces a full word with a letter or a number.
Omg I h8 u.
2. Texts that take you more than 4 hours to send.
I saw “He’s Just Not That into You.”
I can take a hint.
And if it’s not a hint, you need to pull a Mr. Darcy-esque 180 and get over your pride. I know full well you’re Snapchatting your basic chicken sandwich, so scrape 2 seconds off that "My Story" and reply to my text about something probably mundane but indisputably pertinent.
3. Texts in which you ask me what I’m wearing.
This never feels cool. Or sexy.
This always feels like you’re a pedophile and I’m a 16 year old girl and we are the opening fodder for a high stakes intro to To Catch a Predator.
Unless you’re asking me whether or not I decided to wear my new Helmut Lang booties despite the fact that it’s raining and are also my best gay guy friend then no.
4. Texts in which you tell me what to wear.
I have literally been told on more than one occasion to, and I quote: “get more dolled up next time.”
NOPE.
5. Any text that comes after more that 3 previous texts to which I have not yet responded.
I love that you text me and don’t make me wait.
But make me wait a little.
6. A text about another girl being attractive.
This does not make me find you more desirable or fear competition.
This does make me question your IQ.
7. Literally any selfie.
Just the thought of you sitting there, hitting the “reverse” button, posing for a photo, loading it into the message, and then wondering what I’ll think about how you look in it already makes me hate you. I don’t care if it’s cute. I don’t care if it’s a joke. I don’t care if you’re also showing me a picture of your dog. I don’t care if you grew a ‘stache for no shave November and needed to relay your facial hair to me.
I will hate it, feel violated, and lose the desire to text back.
Please refrain.
8. A text in which you insult someone else’s appearance.
You know you’re attractive, I know you’re attractive,
Let’s all rest content knowing that we don’t need to belittle others’ physical appearances in order to feel better about our own.
You are not Regina, and I pray to the lord that this is not a fantasy of yours to be.
If so, circle back never.
If so, circle back never.
9. Any text longer than the space of my screen.
If you ever need to text me something longer than a JD Salinger short story, please channel that energy into something equally as compelling.
10. A text of your dog.
Jk Jk.
Always OK.
Good luck out there, lovebirds!
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