If you've ever been on a date with me and have been worried about what I'm think about you LOL
get. outta. here!
Turns out (and get this!) ... I'm actually a narcissist!
That's right! I literally don't care about you at all.
Worried about what you wore? Don't be!
I just got new Helmut Lang boots, and I'm much more concerned about whether you'll think they make me look like a lesbian or just a cool adult version of Angela Chase (or if we're super drunk (dead) Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider) than I am about your dumb sweater-over-dress shirt thing.
I had a sweater once.
Also, I have, like, a lot of shirts. Like, so many.
See how I quite literally can absolutely not think about you for more than a quarter of a millisecond. It's so funny and horrible, right?
Other things that are on my mind that have almost nothing to do with you:
• Whether the fact that I lost my voice at a Gavin DeGraw concert last night makes me sound like that raspy girl in high school who was always really tomboyishly pretty
• If you can tell that I only shaved my calves and not my thighs b/c tbh I'm v good at hiding this
• If my "I'm listening" face looks as contorted as I feel it does. It feels very contorted. Contorted. Contorted. What a weird word..
• When I cross my legs towards you, do you consciously read my body language as being "into you" like that girl on Kathie Lee and Hoda said you would?
• If I get hot and decide to put my hair up into a ponytail is this going to be a weird sexual moment or can I just like sweep my hair up into a ponytail without you getting all strange about my neck skin real talk here b/c I think I'm experiencing perimenopausal symptoms
• When I just said the word "bagel" did it sound like I'm from New York? Because when I first moved here, it sounded like I was from Wisconsin, but I've worked very hard to make it sound like I'm from New York.
• Can you tell my ear cuff is fake and that I bought it from Forever21 because I'm too scared to pierce my cartiledge my sister said it hurts when you sleep for like a year and I am not about that right now.
• I wore 2 inch heels b/c your profile said you're 6' and I'm 5'8" and I feel like that's a safe space to leave for the requisite amount of socially acceptable height difference but also I'm feeling very big and bumbling tonight and could have done with 2 less inches of myself, and I did bring flats which are in my bag so I wonder if you'll notice if I switch out of them in the bathroom when I go for the 4th time tonight to recoup and check in with myself about what the fuck I'm doing on my 3rd Tinder date this week.
• I feel like you can probably tell I didn't shave my thighs. I think I'm probably not as good at hiding this as I thought.
• I read this list one time that explained how you could tell if a guy was into you on a date. I'm pretty sure one of the signs was that his head would be tilted towards you. I can't tell if you're just sort lopsided on the neck front or very very into me.
• Shit I definitely left the greek yogurt out of the fridge.
• Also I need to remind myself to order those Swiffer WetJet pads on Amazon. I cannot find them, like, anywhere in the city. Do people only use the dry Swiffers here? If so, that's incredibly ineffective. You might as well just buy a role of paper towels and put them on your feet and dance to Swan Lake around your kitchen.
• Also totally forgot to Venmo Sam for that wine the other night. But honestly, she drank like 4/5ths of the bottle and ended up asking that weird guy out who's always at the bar downstairs and from whom I had to pry her away at 2am which was, in my opinion, more than enough of repayment for the 1/5th of a bottle I drank so I'm officially scratching this off of my to-do list.
• Fuck it. I'm putting my hair up in a ponytail.